A couple of weeks ago, I heard those words all adoptive parents dread.With the kids in the backseat, I dropped off a bag of stuff at Goodwill. Among the things we gave away were some beloved purple sandals of Tessa's, who left them on the stairs when asked to clean up (we practice Love & Logic).
Tessa began to have a fit when she saw the shoes transition out of her life. Can I just say here that Tessa is the Drama Queen of Fits? Reed, always her loyal Knight, joined in with the wailing:
"You're a mean mom! We wish that our birfmoms and birfdads were our real parents!"
With Rob out of town and my temper rising to match the 100 degree day, I fortunately had the presence of mind to say, "We'll talk about this in a little bit."
Later, I gently asked Reed if he wondered what it would be like to live with his birfparents. He said no. I told him that I would probably wonder, and that it's OK to wonder.
That was the end. For now.
But not forever. I'm gonna need some more tools in my tool kit.
So I posted the situation on a couple of adoption bulletin boards. Here are some comments with great insight and strategies (screen names follow):
1. "They ARE your real parents, just like we are." Then have a conversation about the word real. (pnmomma)
2. "Tessa, your first mom, loves you very much and every good mom is supposed to teach you to be responsible, and I am sure that she would teach you this same lesson. Maybe you could call her and ask if she thinks it's OK to leave your sandals out and not take care of them." (Jensboys).
3. I always respond with a lick of the finger and an imaginary mark in the air and announce a point for myself for being one step closer to a perfect parent because all good parents are mean at some point. (Tudu)
4. Perhaps my favorite: "Well then you are in luck, they TOO are your real parents.. and the shoes are still gone. Maybe you should put them in your REAL closet next time." (CLB)
5. This blow-up is actually a good sign. If your kid feels safe enough to lash out, it means they are comfortably attached to you. Kids will find your hot buttons and push them. That's what they do. Think of them as small, very expensive personal therapists. You learn a lot about yourself in the process of raising them. (MomOf2)
I did cry myself to sleep that night, as Spyderkl thought she would.
Any other insights, suggestions, comments? C'mon, lurkers! I see you there on my SiteMeter.
9 comments:
Ugh I'm so sorry you were so hurt by this, but then children hurt their parents, whether real or birth! I don't have any clever insights or advice, I just have a hug and some virtual tea/coffee/wine and sunshine if it would make you feel better. ;)
I'd fall dead right on the spot, I am sure! LOL! No no no, as an "evil step-mother" I've heard worse from my now 13 year old son. When he'd throw at me that his "real mom" would let him do this or that I'd usually smile sweetly and tell him that was nice and repeat what ever it was I was requiring of him. Once, I even called his "real mom" to ask her and he never did it again because he'd lied on that particular occassion and was grounded double for disobeying and lying. I know that parenting adopted children IS different. You don't have the other parent in your life the way I do. The 3 of us parent as a team. I can only imagine that you will in time come to disern the tamtrums from the actual desire for more information by your children of their bio parents. Good luck.
Wow. What a thing to deal with. Sounds like you handled it with a lot of grace and restraint.
Perhaps my daughter, when she is mad at me, will have adoption fantasies, imagining that her "real" and "better" parents are out there to sweep her away. I used to fantasize that I was the result of a covert alien insemination, and that that explained why I felt like such an outsider. I was a weird child.
Do you think it's okay, in addition to the other things, to let him know that what he said hurt your feelings? I think that's reasonable.
Oh, that must hurt. I wonder if reliving your struggle with infertility on your other blog has put you in a more vulnerable spot than you would have been otherwise. Not that it wouldn't be tough no matter what, of course.
I don't have any other suggestions. I thought you handled it quite well and you have some good advice from other moms.
Furrow, hear from the adoptee community that they hear it all the time, people saying they're lucky for being adopted. (I should add, it doesn't sit well).
Your thought is a good one...should I tell Reed that it hurts my feelings when he says that?
I spent some time with this and think that this is a time when I just need to toughen up. If he does have feelings about adoption, I want him to feel comfortable talking about them with me. Now, I may change my mind about this when he's a teenager...
My brother and I used to say that we wished we were adopted. Children are mean.
You are definitely their mom... There are people who can give birth... but not just anyone can be a mom. Giving birth doesn't make you a mom.
I admire that you were able to maintain your composure until that night in bed. That's pretty incredible.
Kids will say whatever will push your buttons because they trust you to still love them. Both is wonderful and sucky, isn't it?
I had forgotten what expert button-pushers kids are. I should remember, right Mom?
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