Book Tour: The Land of IF

Like so many others, I am excited to have read and to discuss Navigating the Land of IF: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options as this selection of the Barren Bi+ches Book Brigade.

Why? Two reasons. One: the author is my friend Melissa Ford; and Two: it's a damn good book. My exile on the island of Infertility and my odyssey back to the mainland would have been much more bearable had I had this straight-talking, informative, humorous and compassionate travel guide.

I endured infertility in solitude and in shame. Little did I know that there were so many others in the same boat. I thought I was the only unlucky one at the time.

People today don't have to go it alone. There is someone to show them the way, a fabulous guidebook to answer questions, help prepare mentally, physically, emotionally and financially, and to ease anxiety.

Here are my selected questions and answers. For more depth, see my interview with Melissa here.

What is something you wish were covered in the book or what knocked your socks off on how it was explained?
I was amazed at how much WAS covered in such a compact guide.

The topic I most wish had been available to me during my time on the island was the advice about the hysterosalpingogram. I definitely should have insisted on getting some Vali.um beforehand.

Did you read the book from front to back, or did you turn immediately to a certain chapter? If so, which chapter? Are there any chapters that you purposely avoided?
I opened up to "my" chapter, Chapter 9, right away because it's about the neighborhood I am most familiar with, The Adoption Option.

I considered just skimming the rest of the book. After all, I was not going to go through any of the other neighborhoods (treatments, donor gametes, living childfree) in this lifetime, so why bother?

But in the skimming, I was drawn in by Mel's wit and compassion. She's magnetic. I read every word.

If you are a reader of Melissa's blog, did you find the book to be a same or different style and why?
Same style, which is why I couldn't put it down.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Moose, by Stephanie Klein.

***

Another day, another chance to vote for Weebles Wobblog. Please click on the blue button, scroll down to the Most Inspiring category, and vote for this blog, currently in 4th place. (You can also vote for Luna in the same category, and for Eden in the Most Provocative Blog, and for Melissa in the Blogs I've Learned the most from category.) Rock the ALI vote!

Here's a button if you'd like to help me make a good showing against some fabulous blogs. Not that I'm competitive or anything. OK, maybe inspiringly competitive.

(To those of you with the button: I really won't hurt the cute puppy.)
.

The Bad News Island: An Interview With Tour Guide Melissa Ford

In MY day, when people found out they couldn't have children, they gave up their power to the men in the white coats. We allowed the men in white coats to poke and prod us without completely understanding the whys. We suffered alone, isolated. And we liked it! We loved it!

Today, wussy modern people confronted with infertility will have a much easier time of it, thanks to the recently released book, Navigating the Land of IF: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options. The Land of IF is a guidebook for a place just off the mainland, a place where one in six people find themselves marooned. Author Melissa Ford, has explored every nook and cranny of this formerly insular jungle-of-a-place, and she indulged me in a few questions about her journey to parenthood and to authorhood.

***
You decided to become a tour guide for an island where no one wants to go. Huh?
Well, someone had to do it! Actually, there are a lot of really good books out there for infertility, but they were all missing items here and there. I wanted to cover the basics, but also make sure that all of the questions I still had after I put those books down were answered. Such as what happens if you hit a blood vessel during an injection? Or what are the various IVF protocols?

I also wanted one book for everyone: primary, secondary, situational, biological, young, old, single, or married. This doesn't mean that everyone will love the book because they may hate my writing style, or how inclusive it is, or any other reason. But I wanted the door to be open to everyone who wanted to walk through by using inclusive language, considering a plethora of situations, and including information for everyone in the community.

You call this island the Land of IF. What does IF mean?
IF is the online abbreviation (on bulletin boards and blogs) for infertility, but "if" is also a huge part of infertility. "If" also conveys the uncertainty and leaps of faith one needs to take daily with infertility.

You've done a lot of actual travel. What did you look for in a good guide book? And how did you incorporate this into the Land of If?
I looked for consistency between chapters/cities and information I could use. I love Lonely Planet and Let's Go because they both skip the pictures and essays about the place (well, they contain that in a small amount) and instead use the space to list the important information you need while you're there, keeping in mind all people and not just a small subsection of the traveling population. They don't make assumptions about your financial situation or your interests. They just throw it all in there along with a few helpful tips that will help you bypass difficulties while on the road.

Everyone gets off the island eventually, one way or another. What neighborhoods did you hang out in and what was your path off the island?
It's an interesting question because I had the neighbourhood I lived in (and most of us only own one home), but many neighbourhoods that I visited due to friends or family members living in other spaces. Many of my childhood friends ended up going through infertility with me, and, of course, I met people along the way through Resolve and now blogs.

In addition, I think the way off the island is really an emotional journey. You can have children and still not resolve your infertility or you can stop the family building process and still not resolve your infertility. There is a saying with Resolve that children resolve childlessness, not infertility. And I find that to be very true.

So my path off the island was a lot of self-searching and finding peace with the journey. But my neighbourhoods while on the island (and I'm still living over here because we're not finished with our family building) were primary infertility and early loss, with our apartment building being the Injectable IUI Cycle Towers.

When did it first strike you to write the Land of If? What was that a-ha moment where you thought, "This must be written?" -- was it a sudden or gradual realization?
It actually started out as a very different book -- a book for non-infertile men and women to read to understand the infertility experience. I came downstairs one morning and my husband, Josh, was angrily writing a response to an advice columnist. He had followed an intriguing sentence from the "front page" of the online newspaper to read a question about adoption. And her advice was crap. We were talking about it with my parents that night and they said, "well, you can do something about this. You could write something. You're both writers."

I started writing that book, but realized after a chapter or two that it wasn't a good fit. It wasn't flowing and it didn't feel comfortable. I switched it to being a book for me, for my community. And that's when it clicked.

Would this book have come about if not for your blog, Stirrup Queens?
I don't know. I don't think so. I guess one thing that makes this book very different from all other infertility books is that it has this living, breathing counterpart -- the blog -- and the author is completely accessible. I tell you to join a community and vent your frustrations, but then I also participate in said community and make sure you're welcomed inside by maintaining the blogroll and Lost and Found. I hope people who read the book then step through the fourth wall that sometimes exists between the author and the reader and communicate with me, either through the blog or by emailing or meeting me at a reading.

Why would someone who is NOT experiencing infertility want to pick up this book?
To better understand someone they know who is experiencing infertility. I don't know how many people who are not experiencing infertility will pick up this book, but that's okay. The words are there for everyone to use who is experiencing infertility and they can pass them along in conversation with people outside the experience.

How different would your own IF journey have been if you'd had this book?
I probably would have felt less lonely. The exercises in the book I used to make decision and I included one of the real decision webs we made before we started treatments. And I took my sister's advice to heart a lot and still do in living my life. But I wish I had known about the online community back then. It was small, but still existed. I wish I had known about blogs and read them.

There is a lot of humor in your book. Can you talk about the importance of levity while putzing around on the Isle of If?
If you don't laugh, you'll cry. And even as you laugh, you'll still cry. I think it's important to note that having a sense of humour doesn't mean that you'll laugh your way through every insemination or egg retrieval or meeting with the adoption facilitator. It means that you'll bring whatever levity you can to every situation while also honouring the enormity of the situation.

One time, when we were at the beginning of a very early loss, we stopped at a rest stop while driving and when I saw the blood in my panties, I instinctively took off my glasses and threw them. In this very dirty gas station bathroom. And after I had cried and cried and cried, I realized that I couldn't see anything without the glasses--especially in the dim bathroom light -- and didn't know where they were outside the stall and feared that I would step on them in my attempt to find them. So I could cry but still see the amusement in having thrown my glasses -- the ridiculousness of it all.

What is your marker of success with this book. I mean, how will you know when you've accomplished your goal(s) in writing it?
If someone writes me and says that it helped them breathe. That it made anything easier or shed light on something that had been muddled in their brain prior to reading it. If people feel that it is inclusive and respects everyone in the adoption/loss/infertility (ALI) community. I wish it could also speak to those outside the community and hopefully the book is respectful to other members of the adoption triad, doctors, nurses, surrogates. It is hard to write balancing everyone, but if I did so overall, I will think the book is a success.

What other projects are you working on, books or otherwise?
Right now, I'm finishing up a work of fiction. I needed something lighter and less research driven this winter/spring. As I complete that project and release that, I have three more non-fiction ideas that I'm tossing around. It is interesting because at the same time, I thought up four non-fiction projects that sat well with me and four fiction projects. So I would love to weave back and forth between the two -- with the heavier topics being balanced by the lighter ones.

You've tweeted that you've been writing sm.ut. Is writing sm.ut as much fun as writing about timed intercourse and hormone levels?
Oh, timed intercourse wins out every time. There is nothing more joyous than writing about timed intercourse EXCEPT writing about home inseminations.

Give us the sales pitch. Where can we get your book?
Navigating the Land of If has its own website where I post information such as readings and where to purchase the book. You can get it at any bookstore in the US as well as online from sites such as Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Borders.

This interview originally appeared on BlogCritics.org. Comments here are always welcome (I'm kind of a comment wh.ore); Melissa and I would both appreciate any comments left on BlogCritics, as well.

***

Another day, another chance to vote for Weebles Wobblog. Please click on the blue button, scroll down to the Most Inspiring category, look for and and vote for this blog, currently in 4th place. (You can also vote for Luna in the same category, and for Eden in the Most Provocative Blog category and now Melissa in the Blog I've Learned The Most From category.) Rock the ALI vote!

Here's a button if you'd like to help me make a good showing against some fabulous blogs. Not that I'm competitive or anything. OK, maybe inspiringly competitive.

(To those of you with the button: I really won't hurt the cute puppy.)
.

Book Tour: The Red Tent

The first time I read The Red Tent:

• I was living in the land in which Part One was set (today's northern Syria).
• I was undergoing IVF in isolation, away from family and friends. No internet (gasp!).
• I was in the midst of producing the K-12 school play, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (that year, it was my most prized creation -- I so loved working with those kids on that story).
  

Anita Diamant's novel spoke to my soul at that time. I wailed with Rachel about the unfairness of our barrenness, even as I secretly feared being pregnant and giving birth.

Years later, my life looks very different. I have two children, though I have never once been on the bricks. I am back in my homeland, surrounded by family and friends, my village who supports me in parenting. I still do listen to Joseph on occasion.

This time around, I STILL love the book, even though it speaks to me in different ways. While the first reading related to my individual circumstances, this second reading brought out some of the universality of the experience of being female, from a time when the Divine Feminine was receding, even as today She is re-emerging. (One could look at Abraham's time as the beginning of a long-enduring round of patriarchy. Only now, several millennia later, are we approaching balance in masculine and feminine energies again.)

I specifically loved one line in the book (p. 40), when Leah was on the bricks, assisted by her sisters and the midwife. "Look at the royal throne of sisters you have," said Inna. I see this sentiment as a metaphor for the ALI community, a royal throne of sisters supporting each other as we bear children, bear loads of varying weights, and bear witness to our stories.

Now for the book group questions.

Women's relationships to higher power(s) are complicated. Jacob brings with him the one God, but that is not any of the gods of their childhoods. And it is to the gods of her family that Rachel calls with her simple and desperate ultimatum: "Give me children or I will die." In the context of your own relationship (or lack thereof) to a higher power, do you feel entitled to the same kind of an ultimatum?
There is a scene in The Last Temptation of Christ where a pre-mission Jesus goes into the desert and draws a circle around himself, saying he will not move from the circle until God gives him what he wants -- revealment.

Yes, I felt like drawing a circle around myself and giving an ultimatum to God. There was a time when I did think I would die from barrenness. And at the time, that would have been all right with me.

Dinah is awaited and welcomed by all of Jacob's wives. The one daughter, the one to carry all their stories, all their voices. In the context of the book it is a literary device that allows the author to tell us stories of Jacob's wives from their own perspectives. But what does it speak of to you? In your own life, have you felt, as Dinah does, a carrier of living memory? Do you feel your own voice to be better protected in the age of the blog, or do you see an enduring need for connection across generations?
I am one of four carriers of living memory in my clan -- I am blessed with a mom and sisters who also preserve our family stories. They have better memories than I -- I have to write everything down in order to capture. I am the Documentarian of my own stories, but we carry equally our family's legends and lore.

I had never really thought of connecting across the generations through blogging. But now that I do (think about it), I would hope that my own journey to parenthood, as well as my larger spiritual journey, would speak to someone who may not even be born yet.

For a time uber-fertile Leah and barren Rachel did not speak to each other. "She could not smile at her sister while her own body remained fruitless." Was there a time in your experience with infertility when you ceased communicating with your fertile friends/relatives. Did something finally bring you together or did you drift apart?
Elektra and I became friends when we were both single. We laughed with and counseled each other as we dated, through heartbreaks and losers.

Finally, I met Roger and Elektra met Rob. Both were the kind of men we'd only dreamed of -- upstanding, funny, stable, loyal, lovable and loving. Our weddings took place within a year of each other's. Rogr and I went overseas to teach, Elektra and Rob went to Africa to do the same. We reunited in Denver, eager to begin raising our children together.

Elektra knew of our fertility troubles and was completely sensitive and compassionate. One day, Rob, who worked downtown in an office building near mine -- who could not have known the devastating news I'd just received from my RE -- burst into my office, erupting with news that was uncontainable. Elektra was pregnant! Isn't that great!?

Elektra was furious at him for handling the news this way -- she had been trying to find the "right" way (is there one?) to help me deal with her feast during my famine. It was impossible to be mad at Rob for doing what any newly expectant father would do -- burst at the seams with happy tidings.

I did have to put space between us for awhile. But as it turned out, Tessa was born just a few months later. By the time Elektra gave birth, I was already an old hand at mothering an infant. We re-bonded and remain close friends to this day. Her son and daughter are just a few months younger than my daughter and son. We are certain the four of them will someday marry in a double ceremony and make us happy Grandmothers.

***
Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens . You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Navigating the Land of If by Melissa Ford. (Hint: It's really, really good.)
.

Manicures & Martinis & MDs

One of these things is not like the others.
One of these things just doesn't belong
Can you guess which thing is not like the others...?

The Sesame Street song was in my head as the nail tech pushed back my cuticles at the American Fertility Association's Manicures & Martinis event last week in Denver.

I was in a room full of beautiful 20-somethings. Tanned legs, cute sun dresses, fresh skin. These young women had not been marred by the trials of infertility, nor were they even aware of the dreaded torso creep* that will begin to happen to them in a dozen or so years (yes, this is what I noticed about them -- very long torsos).

We were all guests of the AFA to begin thinking about our fertility and to listen to three doctors from Conceptions Reproductive Associates of Colorado.

I ONCE had tanned legs. I ONCE wore cute sundresses that didn't have spaghetti sauce in some not-so-hidden crease. I ONCE had fresh skin. I NOW am fighting back torso creep.

I never, in my 20s, worried about my fertility. Back then, women my age were trying hard NOT to get pregnant. And, we were told, "people have babies well into their 40s -- you have plenty of time."

So when I didn't meet my husband until I was 31, I was not concerned. When we married at 32, I was not concerned. When, after a year of not exactly trying to become pregnant but not really trying not to, I began to grow concerned.

I could have used a night like this back then. Or even before then.

After welcoming remarks by AFA Executive Director Ken Mosesian, Drs. Swanson, Bush and Albrecht told about substances and activities that can decrease fertility in both men and women. They shared results of studies on everything from egg health to treatment success rates to timing of intercourse. They entertained questions about an alphabet-soup of issues: PCOS, POF, MFI, OHSS, IVF, IUI, HSG and the rest of the infertility lexicon.

(I am now reading The Land of IF: Understanding Infertility and Exploring your Options, so I was able to follow the technical parts quite well.)

The good doctors were informative and charming, and I could see trusting them with my fertility hopes, if I had been like the others instead of being a tired mom having a rare night out with an organization I'm now blogging for.

How did my story turn out? Well, Rob and I never did get the better of our fertility. Our one shot at IVF was a failure, and we faced it alone and isolated in the days before online support groups, blogs, forums and the AFA.

But, as many of you know, we did become parents, nonetheless. In 2001, we were at our daughter's birth, and remain in contact with her first parents in a fully open adoption. Two years later, her brother joined us as an infant, and our family was complete.

Lest you think I'm blowing the age gap out of proportion, check out the local news clip. You'll see my back (I'm talking with the doctors) at 1:12 where the voice over says, "Most importantly, know about the AGE FACTOR."



Even though I was not like the others -- wanting to know the ways to preserve my fertility -- I did somehow manage to enjoy my manicure and martini.

Some things are universal.

* Torso creep is what I call the slow migration from the top of my bottom and the bottom of my top as they move toward each other, millimeter by millimeter over time.

***
(Originally appeared on the American Fertility Association website. Check it out for a plethora of resources.)
.

Show & Tell: Fertile Friends

In an alternate universe, maybe infertiles are the normal ones (let's not go too far with the logical extension on that one, shall we?).

Here's my newest design for t-shirts over at the Weebles Wobblog store:


Not sure I'd actually wear this on a t-shirt, but I wanted to share the private chuckle I had with myself the other day.

To see the showings and tellings of the rest of the class, visit Mel's Show & Tell.

Oh, and if you have a tribute post to your mother, I am collecting them here.
.

What was IN that coffee!?

It's important to honor the journey of those on the path of infertility and to occasionally mark the progress and triumphs.

It can be sticky to do so, though, because when navigating IF, we move forward at different speeds and on different sub-paths. Still, if I were to put off a Status Check until everybody was fulfilled, we might wait indefinitely, due to the revolving-door nature of the beast.

So here is a status check, mentioning by name those ColoBloggers who have found the exit, and acknowledging those whose time is yet to come.

Fourteen months ago, I blogged about the first meeting of the ColoBloggers, a coffee klatch. Here we were back then, not a zygote in the bunch. There were some tears shed that morning about that fact.

Here's an update of those ladies in attendance, from L-R.

• Heidi: her daughter was born a few days ago
  
• Nancy: Karl was born in January, 2009
• Denise: Twins Nathan and Bayla born in December, 2008
• Meg: is in her 29th week with Sprout, a boy
• K: is in her 25th week with a daughter
• Me: no family additions (except for Molly, who now goes by "Fishie")
• Duffy: Zane was born in January, 2009

Other ColoBloggers with family updates:

• Jen: Son "O" was born in February, 2009
• Maryanne: Twins Carley and Caitlyn born in March, 2009
• Melissa: Is fostering (with the hope of adopting) 4 year-old twins Jack and Jill

At the same time we honor the good fortunes of these women, we also acknowledge the ongoing journey of other ColoBloggers who continue to hope and wait. Who knows what will be announced in the coming 14 months?

I close with the same dedication I made after that first coffee get-together.

Perfect Moment Monday: Spirals

Perfect Moment Monday is more about noticing a perfect moment than about creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

We gather here once a week to engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join. Details on how to participate are at the bottom of this post, complete with bloggy bling.

Please visit the links of the participants at the bottom.

Here's a perfect moment from my week. I hope you'll share yours, too.
====================================

Most of us have figured out that grieving and healing do not take place in a straight line; they happen in a spiral. You think you're through something because you haven't hurt from it for awhile, and them wham! you get smacked. Less and less each time, but smacked just the same. You just don't know when you've reached the center of the spiral, where there is no more room for more smacks. You secretly wonder if your grief might have infinite capacity for talking smack at you.

Recently I've had a cluster of pangs, if not smacks.

1. Yin + yang: (This section feels a little odd to share, but I hope you'll understand why these observations were significant to me.)

This weekend, as Rogerb and I donned our swimsuits to take the kids to an indoor swim park, I caught a glance of my body in the mirror. Boy, do I have hips -- child-bearing hips! I have the perfect body for pregnancy -- curvy, long-waisted, fertile. By god if I don't look conspicuously fertile. Like octomom without the lips.

(I don't know if anyone else IRL sees me this way, but this day, it was how I saw myself.)

Sneaking a peek at Roger, I see his lean body, strong muscles. He's in the best shape of his life. His legs, arms, back, and torso are well-defined and cut, evidence of the strength and cardio training he's done the past two years. He is masculinity personified, in a Greco-Roman statue sort of way.

We should model for fertility figurines. We're all that.

2. Chicklet is preggo -- have you heard!? I was thrilled to my toes when she told me. Thoroughly, eminently, joyously happy for my blog partner. Excited to live vicariously through her for the next several months.

And then.

I sunk rapidly into a depression. I didn't realize it at the time because there were other issues weighing on me, but in the stillness I found the demon-feelings: Envy. A little anger. Sadness at being left behind by yet another very close person (my sisters preceded Chicklet, but they had not traveled my path).

The thing is, I do not WANT to be pregnant. I have the family I want and am DONE. So what, exactly are these feelings about?

I think the biggest betrayal is being left behind. Not by Chicklet, of course. It's not about a person at all. She knows this.

All I can do to stop feeling those "bad" emotions, counter-intuitively, is to simply feel them. Chicklet has thankfully given me the space and the safety to express my emotions so that I can release them.

But still, how long? HOW LONG??

3. Adoption Chiasm was Melissa's highly insightful piece this week. It was brilliant on its own, and one comment took it to an even deeper level for me.

Anonymous, I gather, suffers from a Primal Wound.

"I was adopted as an infant, I have a great adoptive family that I love very much. I was not abused. I got everything I ever wanted, went to college and have had a good life. I would give it all up to have been raised by my 17 year old emotionally immature birth mother. I would give it all up to experience what it would be like to grow up feeling normal, like I belonged and happy."

In essence, Anon asserts that the road not taken (the abstract) is superior to the good life s/he has had (the concrete).

The appeal of that road is that it is a fairy-tale road. There are never any potholes, and the sun always shines, but not too hot. It's a smooth, gently sloping road with bounteous apple trees adorning the sides. In short, it's the angel you don't know compared to the devil you do.

No one can ever prove or disprove Anon's notion that a life with a not-ready-to-parent biological mom would have been better than a life with those who parented her. Because we each get just one road.

This is the crux.

The comment started a new train of thought about roads not taken, which, as Mel pointed out to me, is not just part of the adoption experience. It is part of the human experience.

Non-adopted people face this, too. Mel said: What about the child who wishes their parents HAD made an adoption plan? Or the ones who wish they hadn't been born at all? Or the ones whose parents divorce?

Adoptive parents also face a road not taken. I started reading a novel yesterday in the bath (hey, it's MY road) called Sleeping in Daylight (full review forthcoming). Alternate chapters are told by an adoptive mom and her 16 year-old daughter. The parents' marriage is old and tired, the dad was never on board with the adoption, the child was born addicted and was told of her adoptedness in a scarring fashion, and she has twin IVF brothers who fit into the family better, to boot.

And I'm only on page 41.

The mom thinks about her roads not taken. What might have happened if she hadn't pushed her husband so hard for that particular adoption? What if she had lived child-free? Would either of these routes taken her to a happier place today, where she was actually awake in her life?

I put the book down and sank into the still warm water and willed myself to think about my roads not taken. The road that our yin/yang bodies suggest SHOULD have been taken.

But try as I might, I could not go there.

I like my road too much. The loss would be unbearable.

That was a very long way of saying that I had a perfect moment in the bathtub.

Summary:

• Leave a link to your own perfect moment if you'd like.
• Comment about your experience with grief and healing.
• How do you deal with your road(s) not taken?
  

====================================
Once you make a Perfect Moment post, you are qualified to place this button on your blog.

I Capture
Perfect Moments.

Now. What Perfect Moment have you recently been aware of? Be sure to visit these moments and share the bloggy love.

The latest from the ColoBloggers

**UPDATED with new donations!**

We ColoBloggers* are angling to bring Melissa Ford to a book signing this summer when The Land of IF is available. We've got some of the expenses covered, but we are looking to raise airfare for her and her family to travel to Denver.

We hope to raise $1000 ourselves and another $1000 through sponsorship (anyone have connections with a company/clinic that would like to give back to the community?).

Regarding our portion:

• MaryBeth has donated her photography services. (Leave a comment on her blog if you'd like to talk portraits with her, or if you'd like to buy some of her stunning photographs.)
• I am donating an adoption profile review. Contact me if you'd like to purchase this for yourself or for someone else going through the process of domestic infant adoption.
• Kristin is donating proceeds from an Obama DVD she's compiled. For just $5 plus shipping, she'll send you a DVD of the inauguration, the first speech, and the festivities of Inauguration Day. All $5 will go toward the Melissa fund. Email her for YOUR piece of history.
• BattyNurse is donating proceeds from a 10-pack of hand-stamped cards, at $15 a pack. You can see her fabulous selection here. Such talent! Email her to order.
  

Got something to donate? Let me know and I'll highlight here.

As for sponsorship: got contacts with a clinic that would like to hear the following sentence?

"The Tattered Cover is delighted to welcome Melissa Ford.
Melissa is brought to you by the super-duper reproductive endocrinologists at
Get-You-Pregnant, LLC."

Let me know.

* Check out our baby boomlet: Nancy, Spicy Sister, Jen, Meg, Denise, Heidi, and Maryanne. Fertile thoughts going out to our other members.

============================

Because of the response to my pottery painting post, I am organizing a pottery painting day for all of my local readers -- bloggers or not, fertile, infertile or otherwise, artistic or not.

It's tentatively scheduled for Sunday February 22nd at 2 pm here, so mark your calendar.

Please leave your email address in a comment (or send it to me) if you'd like an Evite.

Yes, we can bring our own wine. Which will help the creative process immensely.

=======================================

I'll have mine in June 09.
Want yours, too?
Just click through.

Show & Tell: The Energizer Yoda

While Melissa's humble nature may not allow her to pump her soon-to-be-published book, I can do so shamelessly. She may not be able to feature my New Years' Day post in Roundup or in the Lost & Found, but I don't think she can stop me from reposting it for the Show & Tell audience.

Crafty, ain't I?

==============================================================
I'm showing and telling a button. And the person who inspired it.

From January 1, 2009:

I dedicate this time of firsts to the first blogger I read, the first person I tweeted, the first person to win Lori's Childhood Trivia, the first person to draw me in MS Paint.

If you're an ALI blogger or reader, chances are that Melissa is also one of your firsts. Her Stirrup Queens is the hub of the Adoption/neonatal Loss/Infertility community.

Awhile back Mel posted about a wishing tree. I wonder what one of her wishes for 2009 could be. Maybe it has to do with a challenge posed to her by a family member who is employed by a major publishing company: for her to pre-sell more than 2000 copies of her book through her smaller publisher.

Melissa has organized fundraisers for others' IVF treatments through U.T.E.R.U.S. She has helped countless people make countless connections as they pursue their dreams and desires. She has comforted, advised, compiled, poured, listened, and cheered. She has made our voices heard in the non-IF world.

And so much more. She's a cross between the Energizer Bunny and Yoda, and anyone who has frequented her blog is so much richer for it.

Now it is our turn to make her wish come true. Let's take up the publisher's challenge and pre-sell a gazillion of copies of The Land of IF: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options.

Here's what you can do:

1. Order your own copy here. I mean, you KNOW it's going to be fabulous. And you SAVE $5 as an early bird.

2. Place this button on your blog (thanks to Kristin for the code).

I'll have mine in June 09.
Want yours, too?
Just click through.

3. Consider Mel's book as a gift for anyone else you know who is facing infertility and is looking for a way through. Yeah. Go back to #1 and change your order to 2. Or more.

4. Write a post periodically over the next few months to remind your readers about the availability of Mel's book. If you do write a post, come back here to leave your link in a comment so that Mel will have a listing of all her cheerleaders.

May 2009 bring your own wishes to you. May you be blessed with love and joy and peace and harmony.

===================================

To see what the rest of the class is showing and telling, go to Mel of Show & Tell.

Firsts and wishes

It's the first moments of the first day of the first month of the new year. (Duh.)

I dedicate this time of firsts to the first blogger I read, the first person I tweeted, the first person to win Lori's Childhood Trivia, the first person to draw me in MS Paint.

If you're an ALI blogger or reader, chances are that Melissa is also one of your firsts. Her Stirrup Queens is the hub of the Adoption/neonatal Loss/Infertility community.

Awhile back Mel posted about a wishing tree. I wonder what one of her wishes for 2009 could be. Maybe it has to do with a challenge posed to her by a family member who is employed by a major publishing company: for her to pre-sell more than 2000 copies of her book through her smaller publisher.

Melissa has organized fundraisers for others' IVF treatments through U.T.E.R.U.S. She has helped countless people make countless connections as they pursue their dreams and desires. She has comforted, advised, compiled, poured, listened, and cheered. She has made our voices heard in the non-IF world.

And so much more. She's a cross between Yoda and the Energizer Bunny, and anyone who has frequented her blog is so much richer for it.

Now it is our turn to make her wish come true. Let's take up the publisher's challenge and pre-sell a gazillion of copies of The Land of IF: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options.

Here's what you can do:

1. Order your own copy here. I mean, you KNOW it's going to be fabulous. And you SAVE $5 as an early bird.

2. Place this button on your blog (thanks to Kristin for the code).

I'll have mine in June 09.
Want yours, too?
Just click through.

3. Consider Mel's book as a gift for anyone else you know who is facing infertility and is looking for a way through.

4. Write a post periodically over the next few months to remind your readers about the availability of Mel's book. If you do write a post, come back here to leave your link (through Mr Linky) so that Mel will have a listing of all her well-wishers.

May 2009 bring your own wishes to you. May you be blessed with love and joy and harmony.

ETA: Please click here to "vote" for the Creme de la Creme list on Kirtsy. Make sure you click all the way through to the actual Creme post, or you haven't actually voted.

Peace in, my friends!

Posts about The Land of IF:

Show & Tell: Europe as a fertility consolation prize

We underwent IVF while living in Syria one spring many years ago. If I were to become pregnant, I was to spend Spring Break staying at our flat in northern Syria near the Turkish border.

I was not altogether pleased about this news from our fertility clinic. Our time in the Middle East was nearing its end, and I wanted to eke out all the gallivanting I could while living on that side of the globe.

So I set it up in my mind that if the transfer didn't work, at least I could have a vacation.

Maybe I subconsciously sabotaged my chances. We ended up spending that week in Vienna, Prague and Budapest. Just the two of us. And I enjoyed myself to no end. In a fit of escapism, I took a full-stop break from IF hell.

I was reminded of my consolation prize during last week's Show and Tell, when I saw a familiar-looking bridge at Baby Smiling. She, too, had a fertility-related memory at the Chain Bridge that connects Buda and Pest in Hungary. So I bring to you a photo I took that April, as a complement to hers.

(I am excited to report that she is sending me a lovely work of art, thanks to our shared bridge.)


Maybe Baby Smiling will bring her children to this bridge one day. Maybe I will, too.

===========================

More Show & Tell at Mel's

Baltimore Sun shines on IF bloggers

Updated below

I have a Goo.gle Alert set on the title of each of my blogs. So imagine my surprise today to find that Drama 2B Mama has been mentioned in the Baltimore Sun.

It was an aside, simply to show how the "blog names, in a glance, say it all." Also asided were Io at Who Shot My Stork? and Patience at The Impatient Patient.

Stirrup Queens and Melissa's Amazing Blogroll is highlighted, as are The Making of Baby V, The Making of Baby V: The Husband's Side, and Sayers Journey.

(None of these sites are hyperlinked in the Sun.)

The article is encapsulated here:

"With more than 7 million people [bolded by me] in the U.S affected by infertility, and a growing number of people undergoing assisted reproductive technology procedures, many people are dealing with infertility issues by blogging about their experiences. As she poked around online, Sayers stumbled into an incredibly intricate blogging world: Hundreds and hundreds of people, like her, who were chronicling their battles against biology with pathos, rawness, humor and, sometimes, numbing sadness."

As for our BlogHer panel this weekend, my initial fear was that no one would come to hear Pamela Jeanne, Melissa, Monica Mingo and me speak of our experiences.

With statistics like this, though, I am now afraid that there may be hundreds in our audience. That's a lot of tighty-whiteys for me to imagine!

UPDATED 10 am MDT.
One commenter says: "Screw them. There are too many people in the world as it is."

Well, I can think of ONE way this meany could become part of the solution.

Feel free to click over and comment.

Part of the plan

While gardening today, I heard this song on my iPod. It brings me back to the time when I was so bereft and angry about the chasm between:

• how things were; and
• how I thought they should be

It was a time of stuck-ness, and there's nothing I hate more than being stuck.

Perhaps you will find this post at a time when it speaks to you. May you find convergence between how things are and how you think they should be.

May we all.

Part of the Plan by Dan Fogelberg
I have these moments all steady and strong
I'm feeling so holy and humble
The next thing I know I'm all worried and weak
And I feel myself starting to crumble

The meanings get lost and the teachings get tossed
And you don't know what you're going to do next
You wait for the sun but it never quite comes
Some kind of message comes through to you
Some kind of message comes through
And it says to you...

[Chorus:]
Love when you can
Cry when you have to
Be who you must
That's a part of the plan

Await your arrival with simple survival
And one day we'll all understand
One day we'll all understand
One day we'll all understand*

I had a woman who gave me her soul
But I wasn't ready to take it
Her heart was so fragile and heavy to hold
And I was afraid I might break it

Your conscience awakes and you see your mistakes
And you wish someone would buy your confessions
The days miss their mark and the night gets so dark
And some kind of message comes through to you
Some kind of message shoots through
And it says to you...

[Chorus]

There is no Eden or Heavenly gates
That you're gonna make it to one day
But all of the answers you seek can be found
In the dreams that you dream on the way




* Oh, yes. I do now.
.

Uterii, syringes and coffee, oh my!

We ColoBloggers had our very first meeting this weekend. We regaled the other patrons at Nordstrom's Cafe with our animated talk of hoohahooterii, sharps containers and RE chatter. Next time we'll bring flip charts and maybe a PowerPoint presentation.

Here we are, from left to right: Heidi, Nancy, Denise, Meg, K, me, and Duffy. Don't we look well caffeinated and well understood?


Each of these amazing women bring an integral piece to the IF mosaic. Each of us will find our own way through the infertility maze. I once dedicated a song to the Barren Bi+ches Book Brigade, and I now want to share it with my fellow ColoBloggers, about the constant craving we share.

***

That's the news from the West Side. As for the East Side, we have a very important message for the Order of the Plastic Uterus, especially for Bernardo:

WE'VE GOT SPIRIT, YES WE DO!
WE'VE GOT SPIRIT, HOW 'BOUT YOU?

Love always, Riff.

"Just Adopt"

I occasionally read the lament of people being told "just adopt" while in the depths their infertility losses. Here's an article by Sarah Kelly from the November/December 2007 issue of Adoptive Families that speaks eloquently to this issue.

Not sure of the proper netiquette, so I'll just include a teaser and then a link to the rest...

*********************

"I recently had lunch with a friend who’s about to embark on her first in vitro fertilization. She needed to vent; I was happy to share. Like two soldiers, we traded war stories, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. We compared notes on the clueless things people say when they are frustrated because you haven’t had a baby yet.

Like that time, a few years ago, when I was having a grand time at a party, trying to forget—or drown—my worries. An old friend approached me, wanting to know why I didn’t have kids yet. She informed me that I had better start trying soon, so that I wouldn’t end up having to inject myself with rounds of fertility drugs. How horrible it would be if my life came to that! (It had already come to that, but thanks for the warning.)"

For the full article, please click here.

The birth of Weebles Wobblog's sibling

Announcing the arrival of a bouncing baby blog, a sibling to Weebles Wobblog.

Drama 2B Mama chronicles my circuitous road to motherhood. You already know the ending, the What, but here you can find out the Hows and Whys. Unlike going through IF/Adoption in real time, I can condense (or even skip) the boring parts and publish only the juicy stuff.

I expect the story will be told in about 4 months. So bookmark it and check back often.

TTC songs: My battle of will with God

Was/Is there a song that symbolizes your journey to become a family?

Here's mine. I was scared to pieces for the TTC procedures, which we were having done while living in a 2nd world country. I listened to this song over and over again while trying to build up my courage to subject my body to all sorts of risks and pain (brave I'm not).

While I wasn't facing a literal death, it sure felt like I was.

This song is from Jesus Christ Superstar, where Jesus is first angry at God, and then accepting of God's will. The orchestration is amazing, as is the soul-wrenching voice of Ian Gillan of Deep Purple.


Man. I've got a lump in my throat.

For my Daisy companions (with help from kd lang)

I've spent the last few days travelling. From my desk. Seeing a book, Waiting for Daisy, from multiple viewpoints. It's been entertaining and emotional to experience same object by myriad subjects.

Many on the tour are in the throes of infertility. Some will conceive and bear a child. Some will not. Some will adopt a child. Some will not. Some will reconcile themselves to a childfree life. Some will not. Many will rejoice and many will sob, and most will probably do both.

Fellow travellers' tales took me back to our Dark Time (ttc). I could bring up all the ache and the angst, but nowadays they do not have any power over me. While gardening this afternoon, I heard a song that made me feel the emotions of those days deep in my being.

Like a corny Casey Kasem dedication, I am sending this one out to others in the BBBB.


Constant Craving (kd lang/ben mink)
Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin

Constant craving
Has always been

Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
That feeds wisdom
To its youth

Constant craving
Has always been

Craving
Ah ha
Constant craving
Has always been

Constant craving
Has always been
Constant craving
Has always been

Craving
Ah ha

Constant craving
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been



.

My stop: The Waiting for Daisy book tour

Disembark here for the blogosphere book tour, the Barren Bitches Book Brigade. We've been reading Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.

1. Peggy struggles with questions of heritage, genes, and religion. How important is it for you to have a child that is biologically yours and why? What feelings go into that decision/choice for you if you are still trying to have a child?

We took a different route than many on this book tour. We turned right at ICSI and ended up in Adoption Land.

At one time, it WAS important to have Roger's brilliant blue eyes, my long legs, our musicality and our love of books. But ultimately we came to the conclusion that our dreams had more to do with becoming parents than with becoming pregnant.

In Adoption School (part of our agency's process), we had to write a good-bye letter to the biological child we'd never have -- in order to make way for the child we WOULD have. What a tear-jerker of a day THAT was.

It can seem that adoption is a second choice. And that may be true until it actually happens. Even if I could go back and wave a magic pregnancy wand, I wouldn't. My children were meant for me all along -- I just didn't know it at the time. I hope they one day feel the same.

And, by the way, we are passing on our love of books.


2. Peggy's husband, Steven, says things to the effect of "Get over it," and expresses the wish to return their marriage from the uni-dimensional land of Infertility. How typical were Steven's responses to your own partner's?

It was definitely easier for Roger to "get over it." Biologically, men are more removed from the ebb and flow of fertility, the monthly reminders of failure. I liked Steven's sensible yet sensitive approach with Peggy -- it reminded me of Roger's ability to empathize with me but not drown with me.


3. Orenstein struggles with the feeling that she "waited too long to start trying to conceive". How does this compare to your feelings about the timing of your journey to parenthood?

Not an issue. I didn't meet Roger until I was 31, and we married a year later. We wasted no time trying to begin a family, and after a year we moved overseas (a third world country) for two years. Coincidentally, we lived in the same apartment complex as a Lebanese, German-trained "embryologist." Hence our pitstop in ICSI.

So no wasted time, unless you count the years it took to meet Roger. And I definitely don't count those years as wasted.

###

Hope you will come back for a visit! I serve cyber-Mojitos every Friday. And cyber-Advils every Saturday.

Want to check out more Waiting for Daisy questions? Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.